I’m not really sure how to set up the introduction for this post so i’m just going to throw some words at a page and hope there’s a narrative to it.

These blog posts have taken the back seat since I started my career change to become a sports journalist.

On day one of the course my classmates and I were given a pledge card which states that as a trainee we need to “Understand this course will be tougher than any learning you’ve experienced.”

Immediately an alarm bell rang within me – this is going to be a very stressful 38 weeks.

With stress being one of the things I don’t deal with well I thought it would be a sensible decision to start seeing a therapist once a month so that any sign of the workload getting on top of me which I wasn’t handling well could be dealt with.

This late February/early March time is always tough for me because we have the anniversary of an unwanted memory of mine which is something I’ve never spoken about with anyone, not because I refuse to talk about it, because I had no idea how much it has effected me. 

If you are expecting me to open up and say what the unwanted anniversary is then I’m afraid you will be very disappointed.

One of the promises I make to myself when I write these posts is that I never write about something that would make me uncomfortable to do so and right now that anniversary is one of those things, maybe one day I will, but not now.

The side effects

As is so often the case when I find myself crossing this time of the year, there are repercussions, and this year has been no different as I find myself completely and utterly confused by everything.

One of the things I preach about quite frequently is how we should take everything we see on social media with a pinch of salt because those Instagram posts, Facebook updates and Tweets are what that individual chooses to let us see.

My Instagram feed from a while back paints a picture that my life is perfect

I bring this up now because although my social media activity is much the same and I paint this pretty picture of how great my life is with photos of my travels on Instagram and cuttings from my various work placements on Twitter the truth is – I’m a mess.

On a daily basis I find myself all over the place while I go about my day, second guessing almost every little thing I do and questioning myself as to whether it’s worth it and what’s the point in it all?

It’s a constant feeling that i’ve created this ideal life in my head that I want for myself and I can’t live up to it.

What happens next?

This feeling isn’t alien to me, as I said it occurs around this time every year as I cross an unwanted anniversary.

I normally push through it because despite the chaotic nature of second guessing myself I tend to end up where I want to be a little further down the line.

The big issue with that is twelve months later when I find myself here again the confusion and frustration comes back even stronger.

Usually when I reach this time of the year I have other things to steer my mind away from the negative thoughts so I don’t have to come face-to-face with them.

Such as last year when I was on a high from my older brothers stag-do and the wedding was just a week away, whereas this year I’m swamped with exams which adds more fuel to the fire of stress and creates a snowball affect.

Final drinks during my brother’s stag weekend in February 2019.

I’ve said in the past that depression and anxiety are illnesses I’ll have to live with until the day I die.

Although I’m in a considerably better place now than I was five years ago when I was coming to the end of my biggest therapy stint there’s scar tissue that will remain forever and every so often something seeps through and this unwanted anniversary is one of those times.

But I’m dealing with it, and I would say I’m on top of it.

When it comes to the exams I’m studying hard so should get the desired results and as for my mental health I’m taking the appropriate steps to look after my mind which has never failed me in the past.

It’s just important to remember there are pitfalls in life and we’re going to fall into them – we all are.

And there’s no shame in needing a helping hand to get out of them, even if they are expected like my current predicament.

I’m sure i’ll struggle in twelve months time as well as a the year after that and i’ll once again take the appropriate steps to deal with it, it’s just important that I don’t let it consume me.

 

March 2020 – Mental frustration & confusion

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